A Tale of Two Paintings
I Am The Storm / I Am The Tree (or The Perils of a Divided Heart)
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“The Devil whispered in my ear: ‘You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm.’ I whispered back: ‘I am the storm.” ~ Adharanand Finn
I’ve been dancing around these two paintings for the better part of the week, moving back and forth between them, trying to resolve the issues I see. I am deeply satisfied with the one above. When I look at it, I see confidence in the strokes, clarity between the lines, depth in the use of color. It is not exactly what I envisioned before I started, yet it has become something better then I imagined. A few tweaks are needed, but for the most part it’s done.
This one, on the other hand, has me quite frustrated. It started with the same vision, at the same time as the other, but the execution is sorely lacking. When I compare it to the one above, I’m left with the impression they were painted decades apart. This one a fledgling, amateurish early attempt, abandoned and hidden away in the closet.
I cannot manage to leave it alone regardless of knowing it will be easier to find a solution if I walk away for awhile. Compulsively I keep going back, adding paint, making marks, taking pictures of it on my phone, analyzing it when I wake in the middle of the night, comparing it to what I expected it to be in my minds eye, trying to force a solution.
It has become an absolute obsession.
It may come as a surprise to you to know that these two paintings are one and the same—the top and bottom half of a single work of art. A battle has broke out right there on the canvas. One side is rising, full of strength, bold and daring, full of truth and conviction. The other is grasping, fearful of rejection, desperately attempting to find its way without actually having to change. As soon as I leave the studio, the chatter in my head drives me back. Each attempt to fix it has incrementally made the entire thing worse.
This tendency to obsess over, fixate on, and compulsively circle around a problem with increasing anxiety is a familiar behavior pattern. Remnants of the old approval seeker me. Taking a step back in the face of all that internal chatter seems counterintuitive. Shedding old fears and letting go of false beliefs, akin to life and death to the nervous system. A heart as divided as this canvas.
Some truths, when they hit you, will immediately break something buried deep inside free. Others will be a slow roll through the tangled web they’ve been caught in, taking all of 20 years, or an entire lifetime, to finally sink in. Truth, as I’ve oft repeated in the past, will indeed set you free, but first it will have its way with you. As it sinks in and bares its teeth against the lies you’ve been believing your whole life.
Sometimes there is no good way to reconcile two very different halves. Sometimes all you can do is refuse to add more layers to something that wasn’t working to begin with. Like a dilapidated old house, sometimes you have to take the thing back down to the foundation before you can build on it again.
As it is in the studio, so it is in life.
Because there is always so much I want to tell you about, I’m adding a new section to my posts. These lists will be a compilation of things I find noteworthy and quote worthy that I think you might find interesting too.
Notes and Quotes - A list of things on my radar this week:
Today I am inspired by my friend Dominique to adapt a technique developed for the neurodivergent brain of bolding keywords to help the brain track as it reads. I find this especially helpful to give the ADHD part of my own brain anchor points for my eyes to keep them from skipping around when I read. I hope you find it beneficial to you as well.
Speaking of my friend Dominique, check out their Patreon account here. Their readings have been bang on and super helpful from my own experience.
“Whatever pain you can’t get rid of, make it your creative offering.” ~Susan Cain
This quote has proven to be quite popular when I posted it on Instagram this week. I like to think the artwork I wrote about in today’s post had something to do with it too. I just started reading Susan Cain’s newest book, Bittersweet: How sorrow and longing make us whole and already can’t recommend it highly enough. Find it on Amazon here and Bookshop here.
Another book I’ve just started digging into and already finding it resonates deeply is Radical Friendship: Seven ways to love yourself and find your people in an unjust world. Check it out on Amazon here and Bookshop here.
And speaking of Radical Friendship, I have been the grateful recipient of the fundraising efforts of my dearest friends and fellow members of the CRAM Collective, Rebecca Stahr, Amanda Jolley, and Melissa Hall, along with our friend and volunteer assistant for Canary Rising, Lisa Visel. Together they gathered a ton of art and related items from the generous offerings of other artists to raffle and sell to help support me through a tough season with chronic illness and related burnout.
The raffle portion of the fundraiser ends this week and winners will be drawn and announced via video on Thursday August 18th. I mentioned in my recent newsletter that it is absolutely not shameful to take advantage of the opportunity to get a great deal on a work of art or fabulous workshop. It helps me, it honors the artist who donated, and many of these items have only a few tickets sold, so your chances are high. Check it out here.legal disclaimer—a few of the links to books or products in these lists will be affiliate links. I rarely receive any commission from these, but it is always a welcome boost when I do.
