Metamorphosis
April 28th Newsletter
Crystal Marie | artist, writer, sojourner
"Something precious is lost if we rush headlong into the details of life without pausing for a moment to pay homage to the mystery of life and the gift of another day."
~Kent Nerbur
Hello Dear Friends,
This week is something of an anniversary for me. One that has impacted me so deeply that at first I didn't realize what was happening inside of me.
Three years ago I hit the proverbial wall in life. My health had spiraled after a triggering event the summer before, and the prognosis from the diagnosis of Mastocytosis was not looking good. I was emaciated in my appearance, physically and mentally weak, and emotionally exhausted. I had separated from an abusive marriage for what I knew in my heart would be the very last time, and had moved into a home riddled with mycotoxins from an issue with mold hidden in the basement.
Back against the wall, an eleventh hour intervention from a friend pulled me through, by way of setting up fund raiser and giving me the push I needed to confess the whole mess to anyone and everyone on social media.
It was a turning point for me in my ability to receive in such a huge and humbling way. It changed my views on what it means to be in community and opened my eyes to the lies we all believe about what it means to be independent and personally responsible for dealing with everything we experience all on our own.
And then miracles happened, the fundraiser gave me the cushion I needed to get moved into a new home, see the specialist that was out of network, and get on a protocol that helped stabilize my troubled mast cells, eventually downgrading the severity to a more normal span of life. And life indeed went on.
And that is the place that the story ends--if my life were a made for tv movie.
We do like to have that tidy happily every after ending. But the reality of life, all life, not just my life, is that we go through many seasons of beginnings and endings, hardships and joys. If we are lucky and allow ourselves to go through these things with growth in mind, we come out the other side with some kind of gain. Invisible wings.
In many ways, I'm back in the place I was three years ago. Coming to the very end of the rope I've been clinging to. Looking for a solid ground to set my feet.
The health issue that I was diagnosed with then, turns out to be a comorbid issue to the main one that I've finally been diagnosed with - hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. It is a rare, painful, and progressive, connective tissue disorder and chronic illness due to the way collagen is produced in the body. Collagen is in every cell and acts something like the glue that holds it all together. All of these seemingly random issues I've dealt with over the years all boil down to this one thing.
I have to pause here just to point out the irony of my being a COLLAGE artist with a fondness for my own blend of glue, having a disease that effects my COLLAGEn.
Anyone? Anyone? I mean, come on! This is funny stuff!
I know some of you are chuckling and some are simply aghast. It's okay. Humor is something of a coping mechanism to me. And simply a joyful part of my own personality.
Chronic illnesses don't go away. We learn to adjust our lives out of necessity and live the best that we can based on the abilities, and the disabilities, we are each dealt at any given moment.
The word Metamorphosis keeps coming to mind. Throughout my chronic illness journey, people have used the metaphor of the butterfly to encourage me. One day, they say, you'll emerge as a beautiful butterfly for all that you've gone through.
But the process a caterpillar goes through to earn its wings is messy business. If not for the cocoon to hide itself in, we'd be witness to a slimy pile of goo. So yes, I can see the encouragement in the metaphor, but it hit me recently that hiding it all away so that you aren't subjected to that mess is a contradiction to the authentic way I want to live and certainly to the way that I teach.
We do not connect to our Intuitive Voice by hiding the parts of ourselves deemed too shameful or burdensome to other people. This is different than wallowing in pity and playing victim to ones own life. This is very much about owning our truths, letting go of the desire to polish up our outsides to be acceptable to other people, and finding the power of our own voice in the midst of our own real lives.
Metamorphosis is exactly what I'm going through. I am looking for a better way to manage my life and provide the stability I need to move from surviving to thriving. I've been trying out a number of different things to get there behind the scenes. All on my own. But that damned niggling little Intuitive Voice keeps poking at me. I tell you we are a community and then I tell myself I can't share this stuff with you because you are surely so tired of hearing it that you'll leave.
I don't know, maybe some of you will. But the truth is that I can't go on in this place of pretending. Holding it altogether with a little bubble gum and spit. Or a nice blend of paste and glazing liquid.
In two days time, I'll be in a car with a good friend, heading to Kansas City, where we'll be meeting up with two other good friends, staying at one of their homes, for our annual retreat. We'll be making art, spending a whole lot of time laughing, and brainstorming on some of the ideas I have to make my art career more sustainable for me and more true to my voice.
I'm excited and I'm scared for the changes ahead. The opening of the blog to begin committing to the practice of writing in earnest was a big step in the direction I'm heading. There are more steps ahead that I'll be sharing with you soon.
In the meantime I am in need of a boost to my income to get there-that is a hard thing to say out loud. It makes me feel even more goo on the inside, but there it is.
During my retreat, I'll be focusing on my Metamorphosis series of works in mixed media coldwax. I've been making a series of postcards, which started as a way to try out different styles and color combos in coldwax and decided to revise my annual postcard sale to offer these small works to you.
Check out the details at my shop here. (This postcard sale is over. For the entire Metamorphosis series and other original work, visit my shop here)
The rest of the art in my shop is currently listed at substantial savings - my unannounced April Showers sale. Check out the offerings at this link.
You may also wish to upgrade your subscription here to the paid level. For only $10 a month, you receive excerpts from the new book I'm writing in your inbox. Think of it as the unedited version of a movie, or the Producers Cut, if you will.
This level also opens the comments section to you, where you're invited to join in the conversation. There will be journal prompts and writing challenges coming and other fun things along the way. See what the blog is all about and upgrade here.
And finally, there is a free event coming up in my group Crystal Marie: Canary Rising on Facebook to celebrate World Collage Day - which is May 14th this year. Check out the event page for details here.
I'll be placing the Facebook group in archive mode while I'm on my trip (April 30th through May 8th) in order to give myself room to find clarity for the future, without being tempted to check in on the group while I'm away. This will mean that you won't be able to comment or post during that time, but will still be able to access the group and all of its resources.
That's it for now.
With so much love and gratitude,
Crystal Marie