On The Surface Of Things

This post was originally written February 10th, 2022

This week I’ve been reflecting on the way we humans get so attached to our reputations.

How entire civilizations are centered around the idea of family honor, driving those who fall out of grace to commit suicide, or live in isolation out of disgrace.

How women in some cultures are still subjected to harm and threat of death for bringing “dishonor” to the family.

How someone more concerned about reputation than relationship, can throw their own friends under the bus to save face, rather than acknowledge the errancy of their hidden actions.

How reputation in a family system becomes a gag order, preventing the discussion of anything deemed to be “private family matters”, even when those matters have brought great harm to the individuals involved.

How anything that upsets the personal narrative is rejected. Ego=reputation.

How the one who dared to speak of a wrong receives the blame, rather than the perpetrator of said wrong being held responsible.

Don’t ask. Don’t tell. Don’t feel. Don’t trust.

The rules of a dysfunctional family and society. Do not ask about the actions of the alcoholic or the addict, or the narcissist, or the manipulator.

God forbid, do not tell.

Do not feel your feelings. You are simply being too sensitive.

Do not trust your own experience. Everything is not what it seems.

You are an attention seeker. You are causing unnecessary conflict. You who dared to speak. You disgraced the family name.

On the surface of things, it’s easy to dismiss those whose behavior appears so messy. They disrupt the status quo, say things that shouldn’t be said in polite company, refuse to go along to get along. Accuse "good people" of horrible things. And ask way too many questions.

I used to gravitate to the people who seemed to have it altogether on the surface of things.

But lately I’ve come to understand that the truth is usually found when I look a little bit deeper.