Perception/Perspective

or how the Vulnerability Hangover let the Inner Critic seize the day

Friday I had the honor of being the Feature Artist interview on the Fibre Arts Take Two Network; an outstanding international organization I greatly admire. The professional approach they give to these interviews, and to the workshops on their platform is over and beyond the norm. Suffice it to say, from the moment Clarissa Callesen slipped into my DMs to ask if she could interview me, I was floating on the excitement of it.

During the prep session we talked about art, we talked about our shared love of found materials, the symbolism and the energy objects contain, the topics we’d cover in the interview and what to expect when I logged on to record the following week.

I was even more excited for it by the time we said our goodbyes.

And then for whatever reason, as soon as the camera started rolling my mind went completely blank. I stumbled my way through, but everything we talked about in the prep session, everything I know about myself as an artist and my reason for creating, my passion for imparting meaning in my work, and my mission for helping others recover their own authentic Intuitive Voices seemed just out of reach.

Of course as soon as I said goodbye, it all came flooding back, what I would have said, should have said, wanted to say, all the things I know like the back of my hand. What shame researcher Brené Brown has dubbed the Vulnerability Hangover quickly set in.

In all honesty, the feeling of stage fright and the subsequent vulnerability hangover are not new experiences for me. Each time I have the occasion to sit in front of the camera or attend and event in person to teach or speak, it is a familiar part of the process. Normally, I get into the flow of what I have to share, and all that nervous anticipation subsides. But showing up and speaking in front of other people is indeed a vulnerable act for an introvert like me.

Typically it takes a day of recovery after something as big as this interview. One good night’s sleep and I’m able to look at the experience through a fresh lens.

But this one was a doozy.

I only remembered a vague impression of the questions asked and a strong sense of scrambling to respond. I went from Vulnerability Hangover down the spiral of shame and spent the majority of the week cringing for the mess I’d made of things.

And then I got some perspective. I decided I’d take the same advice as I’d give to any of you. I showed up for myself and my art and that’s what really matters.

I showed up and it mattered.

It is a trick of the inner critic that convinces us to reduce our lives to successes and failures. But the outcome isn’t what gives us value. Allowing ourselves to show up for the things we want to do and try the things we’re inspired by, is the real cause for celebration. It all matters. It is all a part of the glorious mix of being human—in the studio and in life.  

I’d planned to write a follow up post about all the things I meant to say, redoing the interview in written form. But when I finally got to sit down and watch, it was a relief, if not just a little bit startling, to realize the interview went well. It wasn’t my responses to the questions that were off, it was my perception.

As it is in life, it is in the studio.

When we are in the midst of our own vulnerable places; going through a transition or dealing with events in life that seem out of our control, we can be more vulnerable to the voice of our own inner critic. It will follow us into our creative endeavors—be they works of art that we’ve created, or sitting in front of a camera. We lock up inside, for fear that our inner critic is right, we, or our artwork, are not worthy of being seen.

Where our Intuitive Voice, or our inner knowing, is as unique to each one of us as our thumbprint; our inner critic, or the Art Critic messages when we are in the studio, can be boiled down to surprisingly few categories, regardless of the origin of where they took root in our psyche: the comparison trap, the perfectionist, the black & white thinker, the projector, to name a few. Underlying it all is the message “not good enough”.

My current circumstances of no longer being able to afford the home I’ve been in for the past five years and the exhausting search for a new place to house me and my studio space, had me deep in the weeds of that thinking without realizing just how much it had ensnared me until I watched the interview and realized how off my perception had been.

I’ve been blaming myself for the inability to make it work here, despite the large increase to my monthly rent since I moved in. I’ve been beating myself up for being “too needy and too picky” for the health issues that limit me, and the potential apartments I’ve crossed off the list, and for the ones that have been snatched up by other renters site unseen before I had a chance to view them. The housing market is no joke right now.

I could go on a side tangent about all that I’ve experienced since I started my search, but I recognize that impulse as the inner critic whispering in my ear again, telling me to prove my worth. Women are especially prone to the “not good enough” messages in our culture. We are bombarded with ideal and unrealistic standards; the feeling of being “not enough” and somehow simultaneously “too much” when we are just trying to exist in our own bodies.

Those messages are so engrained in our system we don’t even recognize they’re at play, until we find ourselves sliding down that tunnel of shame convinced our performance was evidence of the truth of it.

With fresh perspective, and a shift in perception, I have to say it again; I showed up and it mattered. And now I’ll add, I think I did a damn fine job.

If you haven’t seen the interview, you can watch it on Facebook here or on YouTube here.

Read on for more.
With love and gratitude,
Crystal Marie

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