My word for the year sets my intentions. Some years I choose my word and some years it seems to choose me. This year it was both.
The slowing down of the activities of life that used to give me that daily feeling of being too busy, has helped me to see how much of that activity was intended to distract me from the false messages I still carried inside. The not being enough messages. The not being the right kind of person messages. The not doing the right things in the right way messages.
Driving it all was the deep down core lie that sounds something like “what will people think of me?”
What will people think is at the heart of much of our dissatisfaction in life. It causes us to shrink, when our heart desires to expand. It tells us it’s more important to present a neat exterior than to appear happy, healthy, and unkempt. What will people think has been the core message behind some of my worst decisions. Because I really did believe that the elusive “they” had what must be genetically missing from me. That I could not trust my own thoughts, my own heart, my own needs, let alone my own desires.
I’ve worked hard in therapy over the years to weed out the lies that have bound me to a dysfunctional family system. Saying those words out loud in a public space even, is evidence of that fact, when so many who read my words and know me in person might cringe from their own discomfort with the feeling of being exposed.
Those lies are not harmless. And they should never have been given permission to control us. Public shaming or private ostracizing does not make people change for the better, it only makes us hide in an effort to stay safe, or messily rebel in an effort to break free.
Being bound by the lie that it’s more important to present an acceptable version of yourself than it is to actually be yourself is a crippling disease. It kills your voice and your fullest potential. And it binds others too.
My word this year is Listen. Not to all of the external shoulds and shouldn’ts wanting me to conform, to hide. But to my own self. My own voice beginning to rise.
Deep listening is an invitation to be free.
It is the morning of day 2 of teaching The Art of Physicality: A sculptural exploration of place and identity. I’m sitting here drinking coffee pre-shower contemplating the demos planned for today and reflecting on the first morning slide show presentation with quotes lifted from the essay above written in 2021, setting the theme for our approach to the materials — “Be Curious” and “Listen”
I took a walk through the studio last night after all the participants left for the day and marveled at all the works in progress. After 3 years of teaching from my own studio in live online forums and video format, it feels good to be able to connect in this way again. To see the results of these lessons, listen to the participants share their own stories and ideas, respond to their questions, and to witness the moments of connection is deeply soul satisfying.
Today’s demos will center around textiles. Intuitive listening and allowing the curiosity that rises to be interpreted through stitching, weaving, wrapping, deconstructing and reconstructing. When we are in the midst of healing and growth seasons, listening to what rises inside can help us to identify what it is that we wish to let go of, those labels and limiting beliefs planted long ago.
But stitching and weaving help me to reflect on those memories and ways of being that I want to keep. The parts of me that I see were also seeds planted, underneath the scar tissue of life. In this way we are staking a claim over who we really are, not who thought we should be.
Who do you say you are was the question asked during the opening discussion as a way of each person introducing themselves. Not the old worn out labels that no longer fit. Who do you say you are?
Ask yourself this question. Leave it in a comment if you’d like to share. I am happy to witness and celebrate you staking your claim on your own life and voice today.
Aloha dear crystal, have quitely followed you for many years, just wanted to say how much I appreciated your comment today about what a shame it is for those of us who thought we could only show society the “perfect “ version of ourselves, not who we really are, my hope is that we all can be ourselves, love ourselves so thanks for saying it out loud ! Love you tons! Angiinhana
Dearly earned wisdom from a wise, wise woman. Finding our authentic self can be a life long journey. Using your extraordinary talents, you're generous and courageous to share yours. Thank you.